More pictures from my “futuristic” makeup look

Continue reading →

Dear diary,

It feels like I did something terrible today, and I can’t shake away the guilt. Lately that’s all I’ve been doing, terrible things, unfair choices, mean actions… and yet I know it’s what I have to do, but knowing doesn’t help, it only makes it harder.

I used to be so different from who I’ve become. I never wanted to change, but I was gonna be stuck if I didn’t. One day I just decided that whatever the sacrifices I’d have to make, it would be worth it, but I’m not so sure that’s true. There’s some things I leave behind that I never thought I would, because it was part of me, so it hurts to let go.

I don’t know what’s more unhealthy, holding on to the past or keeping yourself from a different, maybe better future. The present feels like running towards what could be a delusion. It feels like I have nothing yet and I’ve given up everything I used to have.

I want to be strong because I need to be, to deal with everything… but am I really cut to follow these dreams of mine ? If I’m not, it’ll kill me.

Currently listening to – Pink Floyd, Hey You

Dear diary,

I am so sick of my life and all the men in and around it… except my friend Noah.
I’m basically a hater in a nutshell, there’s very few things I actually stand and men always find a way to ruin the little that makes me happy. Maybe I’ve never met the right ones, but what if there is no such thing; my theory, that I figured when I was a kid, is that men won’t ever be enough for me.

Maybe the real truth is, there’s no one right by me because I’m wrong… but am I really wrong of feeling whatever I do, because I can’t help who I am. All I know is that most men bore me to death. I have literally suicidal thoughts whenever some guy hits me up, they all sound exactly the same with some variations in their speech, but it’s like swimming in an ocean without depths.

They’re never interested in being friends, dot. Which means, they can’t be trusted. You can’t trust someone who is no friend of yours – again though, my friend Noah is totally unlike that and he is a man. I feel empty and lost. I’m not sure I understand my feelings most of the times, I feel disoriented, and I wonder what could ease my ache but I really don’t know.

Life is just confusing and hurtful.

Currently listening to – David Bowie, Moonage Daydream

Made a “futuristic” makeup style; all Chanel cosmetics except the eyeliner is Guerlain
(used different filters on the pics because I’m too lazy to edit them correctly)

Continue reading →

Dear diary,

I had a nightmare last night. It was disturbing… I think I was locked in a basement. There was no light at first, I couldn’t see anything. I was so cold. I felt my clothes wet, but I didn’t know what from. I touched the ground with my hands, it was bear and filthy with dirt. I couldn’t hear anything, and that void around me made me lose track of my senses for a while.

I didn’t move, breathed as little I could. I tried to adjust my sight but there was nothing to adjust to, it was complete utter darkness that were surrounding me. I kept wondering why was I so wet… why was it this cold, that I kept shaking until it hurt me physically. I couldn’t control my own body. I was nowhere. I felt like nothing.

I was terrified this was it. Then suddenly, a weak light above me turned on and I could finally see where I was, except that didn’t matter anymore, once I understood why I had been wet all along… Blood, there was just so much blood, I was covered in it. Some parts had dried up on my skin, but more kept leaking from somewhere… I started to feel panic as I was searching where it was coming from. The lightning was so bad, I couldn’t figure, I kept touching every part of my body thinking I could have been injured.

But that wasn’t it. My hands were disgusting, I could barely hold myself from throwing up. The blood smell got to my head, I was nauseous. I wanted this to end, I started crying and calling out for help, but my voice was mute. I thought whoever turned that light on could still be here, watching me from a corner while I was leaking my own blood…

Because it was me, all that blood, I didn’t have any injury it was simply leaking from every pores of my skin. I was bleeding to death and I couldn’t stop it; I wanted to stop it so bad. I tried to shield my body with my arms, but it wouldn’t do shit. The blood kept on going, and no matter how I put my arms around me, it never stopped.

Even from where my tears should have flown, it was blood. My screams were soundless and I knew he was there, in the dark… That he brought me here and he wouldn’t help, because he enjoyed this : having me dying in here, under his watch. Like my pain and death belonged to him only. I wasn’t suffering for my sins, but for his pleasure. I woke up it was 5am, and I wouldn’t go back to sleep. I was too scared his presence would haunt my dreams again.