01/18/2015

Dear diary,

It feels like I did something terrible today, and I can’t shake away the guilt. Lately that’s all I’ve been doing, terrible things, unfair choices, mean actions… and yet I know it’s what I have to do, but knowing doesn’t help, it only makes it harder.

I used to be so different from who I’ve become. I never wanted to change, but I was gonna be stuck if I didn’t. One day I just decided that whatever the sacrifices I’d have to make, it would be worth it, but I’m not so sure that’s true. There’s some things I leave behind that I never thought I would, because it was part of me, so it hurts to let go.

I don’t know what’s more unhealthy, holding on to the past or keeping yourself from a different, maybe better future. The present feels like running towards what could be a delusion. It feels like I have nothing yet and I’ve given up everything I used to have.

I want to be strong because I need to be, to deal with everything… but am I really cut to follow these dreams of mine ? If I’m not, it’ll kill me.

Currently listening to – Pink Floyd, Hey You