Woke up like this – accidentally fell asleep with mascara on

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More pictures from my “futuristic” makeup look

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Dear diary,

It feels like I did something terrible today, and I can’t shake away the guilt. Lately that’s all I’ve been doing, terrible things, unfair choices, mean actions… and yet I know it’s what I have to do, but knowing doesn’t help, it only makes it harder.

I used to be so different from who I’ve become. I never wanted to change, but I was gonna be stuck if I didn’t. One day I just decided that whatever the sacrifices I’d have to make, it would be worth it, but I’m not so sure that’s true. There’s some things I leave behind that I never thought I would, because it was part of me, so it hurts to let go.

I don’t know what’s more unhealthy, holding on to the past or keeping yourself from a different, maybe better future. The present feels like running towards what could be a delusion. It feels like I have nothing yet and I’ve given up everything I used to have.

I want to be strong because I need to be, to deal with everything… but am I really cut to follow these dreams of mine ? If I’m not, it’ll kill me.

Currently listening to – Pink Floyd, Hey You

Dear diary,

I am so sick of my life and all the men in and around it… except my friend Noah.
I’m basically a hater in a nutshell, there’s very few things I actually stand and men always find a way to ruin the little that makes me happy. Maybe I’ve never met the right ones, but what if there is no such thing; my theory, that I figured when I was a kid, is that men won’t ever be enough for me.

Maybe the real truth is, there’s no one right by me because I’m wrong… but am I really wrong of feeling whatever I do, because I can’t help who I am. All I know is that most men bore me to death. I have literally suicidal thoughts whenever some guy hits me up, they all sound exactly the same with some variations in their speech, but it’s like swimming in an ocean without depths.

They’re never interested in being friends, dot. Which means, they can’t be trusted. You can’t trust someone who is no friend of yours – again though, my friend Noah is totally unlike that and he is a man. I feel empty and lost. I’m not sure I understand my feelings most of the times, I feel disoriented, and I wonder what could ease my ache but I really don’t know.

Life is just confusing and hurtful.

Currently listening to – David Bowie, Moonage Daydream

Made a “futuristic” makeup style; all Chanel cosmetics except the eyeliner is Guerlain
(used different filters on the pics because I’m too lazy to edit them correctly)

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