I could scream so loud it would shatter my own skin

My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…

and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.

I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.

And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.

This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.

It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.

It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.

My interview for Voyage LA magazine

Inspiring timesscreen-shot-2016-11-12-at-6-24-55-pm

I’m super happy to share with you today, this new interview that I did for Voyage LA magazine. I talked about my ambitions, my future plans, what I’m working on right now… a lot of exciting things ! I also spoke about my path, and how I got where I am today;

If you’re interested in learning more, then definitely check it out !
Click here to read the full story 🙂

 

Leaves of grass

Aloe Vera plant
Leaves of grass

© Photography by Madison Kennedy

This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere—on water and land.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large—I contain multitudes.

― Walt Whitman

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