I remember I didn’t feel pretty that day. I put on some nice clothes and I tried to make myself look the best I could for my boyfriend, but in reality, I had a lot of anxiety and was too self-conscious about my appearance. He was kind enough though to make a whole photoshoot happen… that was a special feeling I will never forget, and sometimes when I’m down I wish to relive that day somehow. Because he made me feel pretty.
I’m someone who deals with a lot of sadness and issues, but I won’t show it. I’d rather just put on the best fake smile I can, and forget about me, focus on whatever else I can. Some days I even wish I could erase myself, and some other days I manage to do so. I think pretending that I’m fine is a way to combat what’s making me feel bad, and that’s why I keep doing it. The most important thing I do is to get up & push myself to go through a daily routine, which is helpful to maintain my stability.
I went to this amazing contemporary museum in the north of Paris, the architect is Frank Gehry – they’re having the best exhibition I’ve ever been to, on Impressionism. They have these beautiful famous paintings, going from Renoir to Degas, Manet & Gauguin and so many more ! It’s a sight for sore eyes : I’ve only ever seen these works of arts in books before…
My boyfriend came along and he took those two pictures of me that you’ll see below; I really enjoy sharing a cultural moment with him, it truly is important to me as Art has always lifted my soul and spirit, and I feel blessed I can have that with him as well.
My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…
and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.
I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.
And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.
This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.
It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.
It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.
I promised you guys an Advent Calendar type of month, posting a blog update every single day until Christmas… I got so excited by the idea but I completely lost track of it, and today is my 10th post of the 24th I said I would do;
I still want to get them all done, but I don’t think I can manage to post a bunch to fill out those other days I missed out. It’s going to be a lot of work, and with my current job and private life, it wouldn’t be reasonable. & I know some of you are going to think there’s no bother in trying to do that anyway, because I understand that you’re glad I came back blogging at all, but it was important to me as I challenged myself and I wanted to succeed in that matter.
Plus it was highly motivating, as the new year’s coming I wanted to change my bad habits and adopt new ones, so I can become a more hard-working person, someone who goes after her dreams and completes them.
I was watching the new season of Fuller House on Netflix the other day (…yes, I’m desperately addicted to Netflix) and in one of the episodes DJ was referred to as the “bye girl”, the kind of girl that forgets all about her friends and other commitments once she gets into a relationship : I realized that was me !
I started a job at Apple last February, it’s my first job & I really wanted to imply myself fully in it. Then I met my boyfriend with whom I fell so in love that I wanted to spend all my free time with, leaving out my personal projects unaccomplished.
It was him who started motivating me to take back my projects, and come back to this, between other things. I feel very blessed to have someone like him in my life, I want to respect my path and I won’t let go this time around, even if it takes me a couple tries before I get there. I will not be the “bye girl” – I got my wake up call.
This Holiday season I have to pick up gifts for my family as usual, my friends of course, and something I never had to care about before, it’s someone new who has taken a huge part of my time this year, because I’ve met the love of my life ! The actual man of my dreams. I feel so blessed and happy, and I really need to nail this Christmas for all of them.
THE BEST FRIEND.
My best friend loves fashion and cute fancy boxes, atypical little things that she can keep around so I always try to get her the funniest and most original stuff.
My man is quite manly, but he also likes taking care of himself so I’m definitely gonna get him some beauty products for his beard and since he loves whisky and elegant materials, I’m gonna look for that.
They’re just like me when it comes to cosmetics and makeup, so I know I can easily make them happy with some awesome kits that have various things in them. Nice wintery clothing is always a good idea, and you gotta find that one thing that defines the person to make them special and different from the other members of the family – to show them that you know them !
ME, MYSELF & I.
Of course you have to think of yourself… Christmas is important because it also means that you need rewarding for your hard work, and your tenacity towards life and you gotta just empower yourself with something meaningful to you… or just splurge to your fantasy, because that’s also the magic of it all.