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Dear diary,

I haven’t felt this depressed in forever. I don’t know what is wrong, but it seems like everything is at the moment. I don’t know who or what to trust, because anything that seems good at the beginning, ends up hurting me more.

In the back of my mind I hear my subconscious voice telling me how this is a good thing ultimately, that I should rejoice the fact that I am this down, because it will favor my creativity; but I just don’t care anymore, I am exhausted of being this unhappy and I am trapped by my feelings that I need to sacrifice, not because I want to, but because it is my curse.

Not something I get to choose, but suffer through an entire life of these miseries, that only a few who experienced the same can truly understand. Thus, it makes me so lonely, unable to share myself completely as I cannot connect to anyone who is different… except I am the wrong one, I am a misfit who is “off” to the core.

I never understood why, but each day I survive feels like the ending of the world to me. I don’t have hopes, I can’t… I don’t want to believe, or expect things, it turns against me. I don’t destroy myself as much as any ounce of joy I tasted and that fades away shatters me.

Because it is much worse bearing a loss than not having anything to lose, but for that I have to be nothing in the first place. Dead inside, barely human on the outside, a rotting body dragging itself with the strength of agony… I wish I was that, but in the midst of my deepest darkness, I still feel warmth, see a light; and that is what kills me.

I wish I was never born because to live like this, an haunted soul… it is best not to know.

Currently listening to : Sopor Aeternus, No-One Is There

Totally herp derpin’ !

My sister and I wanted to have some fun, so we improvised an a capella rehearsal session and it was a fail 😛 I didn’t warm up my voice before starting, thought whatever, it’ll just warm up anyway while I sing… Bad idea, but some unexpected things happened and there is laughs, I tried to get serious and got bored in the end; warning to your ears, here comes the mess : I am really not good at singing 😦

PS. and yes… I could have probably sang better if I tried, but it’s just good to lash out and be lame sometimes.

https://vimeo.com/118352218

They made me exactly what I DID NOT WANT !
I don’t know what is wrong with Paris, but just because “ombre” hair is trendy doesn’t mean everyone wants to have that… and besides, it’s WAY PAST being trendy : having ombre hair is totally past seasons (as in plural, many seasons away) and now thanks to STUDIO 34 I have the hair of a damn looser.

I don’t like to grade the places that I go to, but if I had to grade this one, it wouldn’t even get one star. I am serious guys, don’t ever go to that hair salon, you’ll be so disappointed with the result because they’ll probably never do you what you really want; Tell me how the hell did I end up with a freaking simple, not even trendy, ombre hair whilst the colorist was supposed to make me highlights for a beach hair style ?

And she couldn’t even manage to do the ombre hair correctly, it was a total whack job ! She discolored COMPLETELY an entire strand of my hair, and it’s totally white now and very visible, impossible to hide. So now I’m left with white hair, that can’t even be colored back because it was so much discolored… I mean what the f*ck is that ?

Vogue Paris recommended them, I heard a lot of good stuff besides that magazine about this place and that’s why I came here, trusting they were professionals. There is nothing more wrong in my life than thinking they were actually capable of taking care of anyone’s hair well. I’ll tell you the truth, it’s just all talk and hype and in the end it is so not worthy of any of that.

I could have done a better job on my own with a basic hair dye that you can find at any supermarket, and that I am sure 100%. They are no better than any cheap hair salon you find on the streets, yet they will charge you for a screwed up job as if they did it right… Money is the last thing I care about, but 400 Euros for jack shit but damaging my hair with crazy discoloration that wasn’t even needed, and making me a past seasons hair style : you gotta be kidding me.

Plus, I lost my WHOLE AFTERNOON ! I didn’t know 5 hours were required for a very easy ombre hair, because I spent 5 HOURS there… and for what might I had ? I am the furthest thing from having beach hair style, what I originally wanted, with blonde highlights. Instead my hair is a very dark honey blonde, that turns too much reddish for my taste. Basically I have red hair now, and there is nothing I hate more than red hair on me.

Now I have to take care of what horrible thing they made my hair to be for MONTHS, to fix them because they are BURNT… until then I will have to endure these traumatizing hair colors. I need to find an actual REAL PROFESSIONAL HAIRDRESSER to correct all the f*ck ups they made #SOS #HELP

Thanks for ruining me, xoxox, see ya’ never b*tches !

Dear diary,

here comes the freaking out phase ! From now on until… who knows when, I will be nothing more but a maniaco-crazed-moody-psychotic and out of control person (and I don’t give a damn this isn’t a real thing, because trust me if you were to meet me right now, you’d believe it is a thing : and that thing is me).

Guys, I am going bananas. There is so much changes happening in my life, that no matter how ready I was for them, it’s still turning my world upside down and I’m totally freaking out about it. Doesn’t mean I’m not happ… ier, happier, but hum, I sometimes wonder how am I gonna handle all those challenges.

I really am scared to be honest, and today I totally lost it for a bit; for a minute I just had to stop what I was doing because it hit me. In that moment I realized… things, and I freaked. I wish I hadn’t (it was pretty much like a panic attack that overcame me, so I mean it, I could have passed on that). But instead, I couldn’t focus on anything else but these changes ahead, and I couldn’t get a hold of myself.

I just breathed out a “wow” after a couple of minutes, and decided today wasn’t gonna be the day I’ll erupt like a damn volcano. There is still so much to do, I’ve only barely begun running from the starting point, on a path leading me to these new horizons. I don’t want to stop right there and collapse. I am gonna man up, and be in it for the long run, no matter what it will cost me because I’ve made up my mind, and I want these changes to happen. All of them.

Currently listening to : Survivor, Eye of the Tiger