Dear diary,

I haven’t felt this depressed in forever. I don’t know what is wrong, but it seems like everything is at the moment. I don’t know who or what to trust, because anything that seems good at the beginning, ends up hurting me more.

In the back of my mind I hear my subconscious voice telling me how this is a good thing ultimately, that I should rejoice the fact that I am this down, because it will favor my creativity; but I just don’t care anymore, I am exhausted of being this unhappy and I am trapped by my feelings that I need to sacrifice, not because I want to, but because it is my curse.

Not something I get to choose, but suffer through an entire life of these miseries, that only a few who experienced the same can truly understand. Thus, it makes me so lonely, unable to share myself completely as I cannot connect to anyone who is different… except I am the wrong one, I am a misfit who is “off” to the core.

I never understood why, but each day I survive feels like the ending of the world to me. I don’t have hopes, I can’t… I don’t want to believe, or expect things, it turns against me. I don’t destroy myself as much as any ounce of joy I tasted and that fades away shatters me.

Because it is much worse bearing a loss than not having anything to lose, but for that I have to be nothing in the first place. Dead inside, barely human on the outside, a rotting body dragging itself with the strength of agony… I wish I was that, but in the midst of my deepest darkness, I still feel warmth, see a light; and that is what kills me.

I wish I was never born because to live like this, an haunted soul… it is best not to know.

Currently listening to : Sopor Aeternus, No-One Is There