I don’t know if this was such a good idea anymore…
I think I already wrote about my moving back to Paris on this blog, and leaving Los Angeles (which has become my home). I’m slowing down on travels too. I made both these decisions because I enrolled at an art school in Paris in September, and currently pursuing a three-years program.
I was really looking forward to being more serious, like attending classes, doing homework, and be there for tests. I thought that would give me a somewhat more stable life. I’ve basically been traveling since I’m 16 years old, pretty much on my own, mostly going back and forth from France – U.S.A. – Switzerland and Serbia. Which I came to realize, was crazy. I literally had nothing concrete, of my own, living like this.
I also couldn’t have “normal” relationships with anyone since I was always on the move. Whether it was about friendships, family or the other kind, it was always the challenging, difficult to manage, long-distance types. Dealing with all that since I was a teenager, and after years passing by, I just kind of became weary of it. I wanted a break from an on-the-road life.
So I went back to where I grew up, where most of my family lives, and decided to start something different, and new. Different because I would stop traveling from one continent to another basically, and new because I never thought I’d end up in an art school. At the time it seemed like what I needed, to learn about creation so that I would get inspired for my own projects.
I do not regret my decisions so far, being in Paris has given me stability, it’s teaching me unexpected things and I feel like it’s an experience I should go through… that it was time for me to live. Also, I actually am enjoying going to school, which is almost unbelievable coming from me, because whenever I could, I used to share my discontentment with the educational system (and how I despise everything it’s about).
The thing is, I’m not bored in class like in the past. I’m into what they’re teaching us. It’s interesting and sometimes even fascinating. & Paris is such a beautiful city, it really looks magical sometimes. I forgot how this place can appeal like a retro dream… Which will make what I’m gonna write after this sentence, confusing;
Although everything has been nice, deep down, where I buried my most genuine feelings, it’s been really difficult adjusting. It’s so much more harder than I thought. I used to live in Paris before, that’s why I have trouble understanding this uneasiness. I know with time it will get better, and I shouldn’t complain (and there’s literally nothing to complain about)… but for now, nothing seems simple, and there isn’t enough time that has passed for me to feel okay on this new path.
Even though I don’t regret my decisions, it doesn’t make them easier to assume and live with them. I’m trying my best because for at least the next three years, I’ve gotta stay in Paris and finish what I started at my art school if I want to graduate. I don’t want to give up on that, it would mean a lot to me if I could prove myself that I did it.
I’m such a wild person, always leaving for some place, or doing something unusual, untamed by anything… I strived for a life with no concrete values but in the end, I’ve got no strings attached and even though I met a lot of people in my life, it’s mostly lonely and I’m actually lost without any plans for my future, and all because I’ve always considered that futile since I live in the now.
Things change when growing up, I am curious about a different way at the time. I think it’s been so difficult because I’m not used to anything that’s been happening yet. For most of my life, I’ve lived like a misfit basically. What I miss the most is L.A., but I can’t be there, that city is intense and it drives me insane. Paris, where my family is, can help with balance. I know one thing for sure, I won’t stay live in Paris once I graduate from school. I don’t know where I’ll go, but this isn’t my home. I just need to be here to set myself right.