I keep seeing posts online of people being so excited about the next thing in their lives… they can’t wait for what happens next, and most of what they seem to be doing is wishing to be already then, but once it’s happening, it’s a blur because they’re still thinking about whatever happens after that…
It’s kind of exhausting and sad, in my opinion. There’s so many awesome moments that they’re not fully enjoying, and it’s like – just stop, because it’s worth it. I practice comfort & pleasure. I dwell in the little precious moments, and I love just being in the present. It makes me feel empowered and relaxed. There’s a beautiful inner happiness from doing that, so I encourage you to try it as well.
My boyfriend and I went to this amazing Israeli restaurant in Paris, named “Shouk” the food there is extravagantly tasty. In appearance simple, it’s actually elaborated in savor, a good cuisine that fills you up pretty neatly. Then we had coffee at “Craft”, cute spot.
I wasn’t far, but you needed to search in order to find me.
While I wasn’t really blogging, I still kept myself up to date on a couple social media sites, and sometimes I even posted random content… so I wasn’t feeling completely cut out from the internet but I wasn’t very active either.
I actually needed a good break, so that I could think about what I want from life and work on myself. I’m not sure why it took me so long, but I’m not stressing over it. I know I’ve got many things I need to catch up with if now, I want to move towards my goals and although it will give me anxiety, I feel ready to deal with all of what might happen.
Life is a series of unexpected events for everyone. I’ve accepted that, and also the fact that usually life brings a lot of good that’s worth fighting for.
My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…
and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.
I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.
And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.
This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.
It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.
It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.
I promised you guys an Advent Calendar type of month, posting a blog update every single day until Christmas… I got so excited by the idea but I completely lost track of it, and today is my 10th post of the 24th I said I would do;
I still want to get them all done, but I don’t think I can manage to post a bunch to fill out those other days I missed out. It’s going to be a lot of work, and with my current job and private life, it wouldn’t be reasonable. & I know some of you are going to think there’s no bother in trying to do that anyway, because I understand that you’re glad I came back blogging at all, but it was important to me as I challenged myself and I wanted to succeed in that matter.
Plus it was highly motivating, as the new year’s coming I wanted to change my bad habits and adopt new ones, so I can become a more hard-working person, someone who goes after her dreams and completes them.
I was watching the new season of Fuller House on Netflix the other day (…yes, I’m desperately addicted to Netflix) and in one of the episodes DJ was referred to as the “bye girl”, the kind of girl that forgets all about her friends and other commitments once she gets into a relationship : I realized that was me !
I started a job at Apple last February, it’s my first job & I really wanted to imply myself fully in it. Then I met my boyfriend with whom I fell so in love that I wanted to spend all my free time with, leaving out my personal projects unaccomplished.
It was him who started motivating me to take back my projects, and come back to this, between other things. I feel very blessed to have someone like him in my life, I want to respect my path and I won’t let go this time around, even if it takes me a couple tries before I get there. I will not be the “bye girl” – I got my wake up call.
The majority of my family & friends know me as the “Apple Girl”, I’m always on my devices, I’m checking things up or working on them and I’m literally inseparable from whether it’s my iPhone or MacBook Pro because those two are literally part of me !
It’s so hard to even take some time off my electronics and try to live in the moment, be part of what people like to call the real life… but it’s actually important to do so. I’ve started reading again, ACTUAL BOOKS. Not on my phone like I used to do, with iBooks or audiobooks. I’m going to old school and trendy libraries now, and I’m picking up the books that grab my attention.
The best of this new way to life is, I don’t even have to force myself. I’ve remembered how much I used to love reading. I’m discovering many beautiful and amazing stories, or thoughts from these incredible authors, and I’m loving every second of it. I feel prouder of myself, and it gives me confidence on my intellectuality so guys : start reading too !
Honestly, it only brings positiveness into life and that’s what we all need. These are my six picks of the month, I’ve already read two of them and feeling super motivated for the four remaining ones 🙂 I’ve inspired my best friend to follow my lead, she’s talking about it on her blog, check it out.