I could scream so loud it would shatter my own skin

My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…

and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.

I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.

And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.

This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.

It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.

It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.

I am the “Bye Girl” !

I promised you guys an Advent Calendar type of month, posting a blog update every single day until Christmas… I got so excited by the idea but I completely lost track of it, and today is my 10th post of the 24th I said I would do;

I still want to get them all done, but I don’t think I can manage to post a bunch to fill out those other days I missed out. It’s going to be a lot of work, and with my current job and private life, it wouldn’t be reasonable. & I know some of you are going to think there’s no bother in trying to do that anyway, because I understand that you’re glad I came back blogging at all, but it was important to me as I challenged myself and I wanted to succeed in that matter.

Plus it was highly motivating, as the new year’s coming I wanted to change my bad habits and adopt new ones, so I can become a more hard-working person, someone who goes after her dreams and completes them.

I was watching the new season of Fuller House on Netflix the other day (…yes, I’m desperately addicted to Netflix) and in one of the episodes DJ was referred to as the “bye girl”, the kind of girl that forgets all about her friends and other commitments once she gets into a relationship : I realized that was me !

I started a job at Apple last February, it’s my first job & I really wanted to imply myself fully in it. Then I met my boyfriend with whom I fell so in love that I wanted to spend all my free time with, leaving out my personal projects unaccomplished.

It was him who started motivating me to take back my projects, and come back to this, between other things. I feel very blessed to have someone like him in my life, I want to respect my path and I won’t let go this time around, even if it takes me a couple tries before I get there. I will not be the “bye girl” – I got my wake up call.

Book Club.

Avid reader…

Rupi Kaur, milk and honey – Rupi Kaur, the sun and her flowers – Amanda Lovelace, the princess saves herself in this one

The majority of my family & friends know me as the “Apple Girl”, I’m always on my devices, I’m checking things up or working on them and I’m literally inseparable from whether it’s my iPhone or MacBook Pro because those two are literally part of me !

It’s so hard to even take some time off my electronics and try to live in the moment, be part of what people like to call the real life… but it’s actually important to do so. I’ve started reading again, ACTUAL BOOKS. Not on my phone like I used to do, with iBooks or audiobooks. I’m going to old school and trendy libraries now, and I’m picking up the books that grab my attention.

The best of this new way to life is, I don’t even have to force myself. I’ve remembered how much I used to love reading. I’m discovering many beautiful and amazing stories, or thoughts from these incredible authors, and I’m loving every second of it. I feel prouder of myself, and it gives me confidence on my intellectuality so guys : start reading too !

Honestly, it only brings positiveness into life and that’s what we all need. These are my six picks of the month, I’ve already read two of them and feeling super motivated for the four remaining ones 🙂 I’ve inspired my best friend to follow my lead, she’s talking about it on her blog, check it out.

Otegha Uwagba, Little Black Book – Mary Shelley, Frankenstein – Lang Leav, Sad Girls

Holiday Gift Guide

… and more gift ideas !

This Holiday season I have to pick up gifts for my family as usual, my friends of course, and something I never had to care about before, it’s someone new who has taken a huge part of my time this year, because I’ve met the love of my life ! The actual man of my dreams. I feel so blessed and happy, and I really need to nail this Christmas for all of them.

Clyde, Rohmer wool-felt beret – 95 US Dollars | Isabel Marant, Lecce leather belt – 120 US Dollars | Strangeloves NYC, Perfume oil necklace – meltmyheart – 260 US Dollars

THE BEST FRIEND.
My best friend loves fashion and cute fancy boxes, atypical little things that she can keep around so I always try to get her the funniest and most original stuff.

Mason Pearson, Dressing Comb – 33 Euros | Men’s Society, Whisky Lover’s kit – 58 Euros | Slip, Embroidered silk eye mask – 50 US Dollars

THE BOYFRIEND.
My man is quite manly, but he also likes taking care of himself so I’m definitely gonna get him some beauty products for his beard and since he loves whisky and elegant materials, I’m gonna look for that.

Elizabeth Arden, coffret Eigh Hour – 44 Euros | Balmain Paris hair couture – 65 US Dollars | UGG turn cuff gloves – 140 Euros

MY FAMILY.
They’re just like me when it comes to cosmetics and makeup, so I know I can easily make them happy with some awesome kits that have various things in them. Nice wintery clothing is always a good idea, and you gotta find that one thing that defines the person to make them special and different from the other members of the family –  to show them that you know them !

Apple iPhone Xs, Gold 256 GB – 1327,68 Euros | Goop, Rose quartz soothing face-massage roller – 48 Euros | Addition Studio, Marble dumbbell – 110 Euros

ME, MYSELF & I.
Of course you have to think of yourself… Christmas is important because it also means that you need rewarding for your hard work, and your tenacity towards life and you gotta just empower yourself with something meaningful to you… or just splurge to your fantasy, because that’s also the magic of it all.

Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can

First photoshoot together
Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can

I must have taken a million pictures that day… beginnings are always challenging because you have to adjust to these little things you’ve not been used to yet. Which is probably why I shot so many photos that day, I was trying to learn how to represent my model in her best light, just as she was trying to find the right poses for the camera etc.
Start where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you canStart where you are, use what you have, do what you can

MADISON KENNEDY
Instagram | Twitter | Snapchat

Today is the perfect day to start living your dreams

I love black&white photos
Today is the perfect day to start living your dreams

Another set from the photoshoot at the botanical garden with my new model; I used a B&W film pack for the effect. It was so warm inside, but we still had a lot of fun… these are definitively my fave from the whole shoot. I have a thing for monochrome photography but also, the portraits here feel more genuine and natural. It’s like catching a moment in time kind of unexpectedly.
Today is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreamsToday is the perfect day to start living your dreams

MADISON KENNEDY
Instagram | Twitter | Snapchat

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine

Close-ups 
Stay close to people who feel like sunshine

This is the first part from our photoshoot at the botanical garden, these were taken outside when the sun was peeking which explains the strong light. We have more cool pictures to come, in the meantime enjoy this cute set !
Stay close to people who feel like sunshineStay close to people who feel like sunshineStay close to people who feel like sunshineStay close to people who feel like sunshineStay close to people who feel like sunshineStay close to people who feel like sunshine

MADISON KENNEDY
Instagram | Twitter | Snapchat