I could scream so loud it would shatter my own skin

My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…

and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.

I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.

And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.

This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.

It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.

It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.

You can’t keep an angel down

Sunsets in L.A.
You can't keep an angel down

Tomorrow is my birthday… another year went by like it was nothing. I still haven’t achieved my dreams; at this point of my life I’m almost giving up on dreaming, it seems pointless. Wanting to do things that are much bigger than me, for the sake of something as innocent as creating and producing art sounds more impossible with each passing day.

But this year didn’t mean nothing to me… I got to be with the people that are dearest to my heart, some I hadn’t seen for years. It was a gift, a blessing even. I could go as far as saying a miracle for one particular person that I thought I’d never see again, and that impossibility made possible restored some hope and faith.

I never realized how important love and caring is until I was met with it unconditionally. It’s just a fleeting impression that I never want to go away because it’s the only thing keeping me afloat, driving me to become stronger and better. I never stopped loving that moment in time that shifted my life forever, I’ll never do.

I’ll always be chasing it in the back of my mind, even if the pain this past life brings me could kill me.
You can't keep an angel down

MADISON KENNEDY
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EF Los Angeles is closing…

My school is closing down

EF Los Angeles

It was a sad day for me when I learned that my school was going to close its doors in March of 2017. We’re now in April, so it’s official and I can’t really shake all the good memories and intense experiences that it made me go through for the first time in my life. I came to the USA to study in this place, and met awesome people along the way; it unexpectedly ended up being the best year of my life.

It’s very emotional for me remembering all of this, but it also feels great to have these memories I can hold onto now that I can never go back to even just say “hi !” to my ex-teachers at the school. Every time I was in LA, I used to go back there for old times’ sake and it was always such a cool thing to be able to do. Walking in the hallway was fun, and something I’ll never forget is that they kept on the wall my class picture from Field Day, when we won 2nd place with my classmates… after 4 years, it was still there.

Inside EF Los Angeles

I was living with a “host family” it was actually a single mom (without her grown-up kids) in the city of Lomita, which is part of the South Bay area of Los Angeles. It was pretty close to my school in Redondo Beach, if you went by car… of course, as everybody knows : I do not drive ! I never got my driver’s license so I had to use public transportation, and I wasn’t aware that apparently only the most ratchet people in LA take the bus. I have so many crazy encounters and insane stories from my times taking the public transit, that my best friend even told me I should write a book about it.

That year spent studying at EF was from day one, an amazing experience. It was literally from day one, unforgettable and full of excitement. It changed my life, it was a once in a lifetime adventure that I feel so blessed to have had. I became a more responsible “adult” because I had to learn how to survive without my family being there for me, and it made me more open to the outside world, as I was putting myself out there to make my dreams come true. I discovered that this is what real life is about.

So, thank you EF for that incredible year and allowing me to become a fuller version of myself, surrounded by friends coming from all over the world that became like a new family. I will not forget everything that you brought into my life, and I wish a good continuation after this to all the teachers & staff.

MADISON KENNEDY
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