I could scream so loud it would shatter my own skin

My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…

and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.

I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.

And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.

This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.

It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.

It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.

I DROPPED MY LEICA !!

This is just terrible guys !

I DROPPED MY LEICA !!
My sorry-ass face when I realized my Leica’s screen was dead…

So, it happened… I got reckless, a short moment of inattention is all it took, and my camera plunged LCD screen first to the ground. I managed to catch it before it exploded entirely, but the screen was gone ! MISERY *crying face emoji*

I took it to the Leica store, and they told me I had to wait two months until I could get it back fixed… 2 FREAKING MONTHS ?! “are you kidding me” I asked there, but that was it. They scrambled urgent on my file in hope that would accelerate the process…

I was feeling so distraught about what they had told me, that it made me realize I couldn’t go through those two months without my main aka only work tool. I have a convention I’m attending this weekend & I’m covering it for Geekland magazine; how am I supposed to shoot portraits of cosplayers without a camera ? Using my iPhone… please. Let’s be real.

I went to a photography store, and spent an hour (at least) looking through their cameras, and trying some, until I decided : let’s get it, my first DSLR. I bought a Nikon D3300, which is an entry-level cam, for beginners, people who know almost nothing about reflex cameras. That means me ! I was told it’s a really good one, easy to use and after reading reviews online, I made up my mind about it.

I encountered many little issues at first, but I figured the camera’s technicalities and now I’m more than happy with my purchase 🙂 I’m gonna need to get a couple more lenses later, so I can shoot portraits & landscapes better, but for now it’s all good.

© Photography by Madison KennedyI DROPPED MY LEICA !!I DROPPED MY LEICA !!I DROPPED MY LEICA !!I DROPPED MY LEICA !!I DROPPED MY LEICA !!

I DROPPED MY LEICA !!
Alternative edit of my first selfie, using the Nikon D3300 cam.

i found my balance

To New Beginnings !i found my balanceSnapchat 👻 mads.kennedy

Remember a couple of days ago I talked to you guys about, how my blog was looking messy ? I just found out there was no structure, and that’s because of my new way of blogging. I’ve set myself free from any obligations, so I could have fun again sharing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted ! & the fun part, that totally came back to me 🙂

I love blogging more than ever now… but, I’m missing out on a lot since I don’t even set some time aside anymore, for that purpose only. It’s became completely random, and that also shows in my posts. I don’t think it reflects the real me; yes I’m kinda crazy and there’s no actual control over things in my life, I’m wild & rebel at heart so I let things happen without restrictions.

But I’m also an artist, a photographer and an aspiring filmmaker… I write stories every week, I stop and record videos, I edit pictures like they’re my fave memories, I like to help out and make a difference if given the possibility, I love experimenting with beauty routines and chat about style, and music of course, is at the center of my life ! So many things that make the real me.

That’s exactly how I want you to be able to see me, and that can happen if I find a balance to show you so. I’m writing this to say, that I finally did it 😀 I sat back, and thought about it and came up with a no-pressure plan, that’s going to change the mess into more creative and inspired content. I’m so excited about this, at last I’m going to do exactly what my life and dreams are about, and you’ll be the awesome audience to my journey.

GEEKLAND magazine

Follow my new adventure !Screen Shot 2016-06-04 at 4.22.28 PM

I see a lot of you guys are still checking the geek posts on The Blog, and you might be wondering why I don’t publish those anymore ?

Well, it’s because I have founded my own online magazine where I post daily updates about all kinds of geek related news & content… lots of cosplay of course, it’s one of my fave things 😀 but also Star Wars, and LEGO, and video games, and comics, and comic cons, and etc !!

So if you’re missing these things from here, you can check them there : geeklandmag.com