I could scream so loud it would shatter my own skin

My computer broke down more than a year ago, and it’s been really challenging, actually almost impossible to get any work done… but oh well, I didn’t think it mattered because I thought so little of myself : like, why would anyone care if I just stopped doing what I was doing…

and what was I doing anyway ? I didn’t have a clear answer to that. I would just go out for fun and create some photos or video content, that I would then share here… but to what purpose ? I literally had none. I just knew I wanted, or more like, I needed to do things the most creative way that I could think of, but I didn’t want it to be meaningful or that deep. I wasn’t taking myself seriously in any way, so I didn’t want anyone to think that of myself.

I abandoned everything pretty much, even though it didn’t happen in a day. Over time I just figured maybe I’m not good enough for any of my dreams, that it’s not actually worth it to waste my time (as if my time was that important that I should be careful of what I’m spending it on) on things that are unreachable to a person like me… someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to take her ambitions further any line. So I declared myself to be incapable to be like those iconic people I was admiring, and who were ultimately motivating me still to keep on dreaming.

And that was so easy, to let go of myself, that it became scary… somehow a terrible fright installed itself in me, so profoundly that it unabled me to try and succeed at anything that could potentially get me out of what had become, a depressive state. I didn’t look the part, but I was and still am unhappy because of my life choices. My entire life I’ve been scared of abandonment, and it ended being me who did this to myself. I’ve never been so hurt as to realize how bad things got because I led them to it.

This is a long torpor I’m trying to get over. I’ve been awake for a few moments while in it, but it’s taken control. No matter how many times I wake up, it pulls me back to drown me again… and I feel like I’m a good swimmer, but most of the times it doesn’t help. I’m on my way home now, I can see the shore. I just need to keep swimming and if only I can reach it, then I believe I can save myself.

It all always mattered, I just wouldn’t have faith in me. Those small, or big, or whatever size that dreams can be, we’re all entitled to try and nothing should make us doubt we can’t have them become a reality. They’re as real as we are. So long it’s in your head living, then you ought to birth it and gift it to the world. We all deserve to trust in ourselves more, and spread that amazing love that is ultimately what is saving me from those dark times I’ve been through.

It’s my boyfriend that makes me love myself more, and it’s empowering everything in my life. I’m going to turn this difficult period into something beautiful, create a bunch of butterflies to lift me up above. I have some good news, something that’s going to make a huge change in my future : I’m set on getting a new computer… and that means, I’m finally ready to invest in my dreams.

I am the “Bye Girl” !

I promised you guys an Advent Calendar type of month, posting a blog update every single day until Christmas… I got so excited by the idea but I completely lost track of it, and today is my 10th post of the 24th I said I would do;

I still want to get them all done, but I don’t think I can manage to post a bunch to fill out those other days I missed out. It’s going to be a lot of work, and with my current job and private life, it wouldn’t be reasonable. & I know some of you are going to think there’s no bother in trying to do that anyway, because I understand that you’re glad I came back blogging at all, but it was important to me as I challenged myself and I wanted to succeed in that matter.

Plus it was highly motivating, as the new year’s coming I wanted to change my bad habits and adopt new ones, so I can become a more hard-working person, someone who goes after her dreams and completes them.

I was watching the new season of Fuller House on Netflix the other day (…yes, I’m desperately addicted to Netflix) and in one of the episodes DJ was referred to as the “bye girl”, the kind of girl that forgets all about her friends and other commitments once she gets into a relationship : I realized that was me !

I started a job at Apple last February, it’s my first job & I really wanted to imply myself fully in it. Then I met my boyfriend with whom I fell so in love that I wanted to spend all my free time with, leaving out my personal projects unaccomplished.

It was him who started motivating me to take back my projects, and come back to this, between other things. I feel very blessed to have someone like him in my life, I want to respect my path and I won’t let go this time around, even if it takes me a couple tries before I get there. I will not be the “bye girl” – I got my wake up call.

It’s time to go !

We’re going back home !

It really is overdue to go back to my beloved city of angels. My sister is coming along this time around, we’ve planned a whole month away to California – it’ll be from March to April.

We’ll be arriving just in time for WonderCon, my favorite convention down in Anaheim. We’ll also go to Disneyland while we’re there that weekend. We’ve decided for San Diego & Las Vegas to be part of our trip, but we’ll probably add other cities because we want to explore.


We won’t be staying in L.A. the entire time, we’re bound to it but we need adventures ! I got this crazy idea to film our vacation and make it into a “reality TV” type of web-series, lightly scripted, totally off the rails… I’ll be posting that on here and my YouTube channel.

It’s going to be a lot of fun. We’ll be based in South Bay for the amazing beaches and because when I first moved to Los Angeles that was my home, and I miss it so much, I want to relive those awesome feelings with my sister. We’re going full California girls style ! I literally want to do the most LA-esque things there are.


I cannot wait to see my best friend Noah, who’s stayed to live there. We’re basically the same person, it’s wild. I’ll always love this place dearly and that’s why I’m attracted to going back there all the time. After these many years, I still have the same dreams… without the illusions.

But I don’t want to feel like giving up because the world is too realistic. So I’m trying again, what do I have to lose from this, everything is gain. I think we all need that bit of magic in our lives to survive it, that’s why this is important to me, that’s why we’re leaving to enjoy every single second of this nostalgic trip.

Quote #2

“For people who are supposed to love unconditionally, families seem to have a lot of conditions. One day I want to make a family with no conditions. Maybe that’s all I really want.”

Owen and Olivia in Maniac

Quote #1

“Loyalty means never giving up on someone, even through doubts and differences. It’s a noun with action fueled by shared experiences, which are memorable, meaningful, and irreplaceable. But loyalty isn’t blind love, it shouldn’t be taken for granted. Loyalty means telling someone when they’re wrong when no one else will. And loyalty means apologizing when you’re wrong, because of the trust you’ve built over time. Loyalty is true friendship.”

Willowdean in Dumplin’

When i love i become liquid light

To fall in love but not know how to love is a total dichotomy. Yet, here you could be contemplating losing the person you hold dearest because your mind doesn’t hold the answers to their needs. Your actions, whatever they may be, could never be enough and this love that transforms you doesn’t do a thing to them. Can you imagine how painful and beautiful that can be.

Love is nothing but a poisoned gift. Don’t they say that the greatest loves are all tragedies… if you cannot explain it, but feel it tearing you apart, isn’t that the greatest of love ? How else would you describe these feelings that are destroying you more than anything you thought you could bear. Love is testing your survival, until you’re done and cannot take it any longer.

From the Spanish word Amor, it becomes the French to Death – “mort”. So in the same word you can find your own felicity and assassination. Because love is all that, it’s murder and suicide. No matter how many tears roll down your cheeks, that sparkling liquid is nothing but your own weakness and powerlessness towards what has to inevitably happen : which is your end.

Hello from the other side.

Just like in Lewis’ Carroll novel, I followed a charismatic stranger that led me into some sort of rabbit hole. On the other side was a Wonderland I was not able to escape. I went by a path that led me into the deepest cores of that peculiar world. I saw and lived things I had never even imagined. My wildest dreams came true, but also my worst fears came to reality. I’ve looked for a way out for a while and finally gave up. I am here now, so come either get me and brave this place, or wait for my succeeding notes… I will be writing in hope to reach you, my lost friends.